Hey there ‘gurts fans! As usual, this post is coming after several months of radio silence, and a CRAZY couple of months it has been! I started working full time in retail right as the holidays were starting, I gave masters classes a try, and my unreasonable anxiety levels were exacerbated by trying, despite logic and instinct, to keep a very one-sided relationship afloat. With my birthday tomorrow, and Valentine’s Day on the horizon, I was feeling kind of hurt and bitter over some of the relationships I had in college. It was definitely the first time (outside of group projects throughout my education) that I really felt like people took advantage of my eagerness to make life as easy as possible for those around me. That being said, I wrote a slightly poison-pen ‘gurts — not for publishing…I later realized. It was petty…and accurate — and for the first time felt like I actually got some of the toxic relationships I’ve been in off of my chest. So now, on the cusp of my 23rd birthday, I am feeling pretty great.

I just used my MoviePass for the first time to go and see the movie The Post, which was amazing! Ever since I was little, I have left every film and television show thinking, That’s what I want to do. I want to be a(n) insert occupation here. When I went through my West Wing phase as a kid, I wanted to work in the White House. Then I got hooked on scrubs in middle school and wanted to be a doctor. Then I had a long (and recurring) Criminal Minds phase, where I thought, Yeah, I could be a profiler. It wasn’t until I actually tried my hand at basic medical techniques that I realized, no, I have no interest in doing this whatsoever. What I want is to pretend to do it for a while, then move on to the best parts of another fun and thrilling career without actually doing the job. So when I walked out of The Post, I did not think, Man, I should be a journalist! Instead, I thought, Whoa, that guy from Better Call Saul is all over the place now! Ironic that he played a Nixon-era journalist in this after playing Nixon himself in an episode of drunk history…But also I thought about how much I love acting, and how amazing it would be to play literally any of the roles in that movie.

So (did I mention tomorrow is my birthday?), things are good and I am hoping to get back in the swing of things, ‘gurts-wise. I have some exciting plans for tomorrow, but I think I’ll let future me tell you about it AFTER it all goes down.

Tonight, I leave you with this. I am a very positive and optimistic person, and I genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason. Dated the wrong person early on in college, but he introduced me to Mali, one of my closest friends and my birthday date for tomorrow. I had two people who I thought were my friends abandon me and try to tell me it was my fault, but that doesn’t negate the fact that, before that, they helped me get through incredibly severe depression and, by extension, college. And finally this most recent disaster. It kept me in Chicago for a while to get my next steps into adulthood figured out and get a little bit of acting experience. Also, it showed me that, compared to many, I am a super fun and worthwhile person, and I deserve much better. Apparently the college friend thing wasn’t clear enough because I fell right back into the same trap. Hopefully, this boosted self-confidence will help me, not to stop looking for the best in people, but to stop blaming myself for the worst in them.

I will hopefully be checking in again very soon!

P.S. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! (In case you didn’t catch it…it was subtle)